Dream a little dream

I'm not sure that the vaunted "positive attitude" is always a good thing--but occasionally, I am really comforted to realize just how positive my attitude seems to be.

In the last couple of months, I've had quite a few dreams that are clearly "about" my cancer experience. None of them is explicitly about cancer, or disease, at all. But the symbolism comes through loud and clear. Water has been a major symbol in all but one of the dreams. I thought I'd describe some of them here. Hey, after posting my bald head, why not lay bare my psyche as well? (Hair update, by the way: though it's barely visible, I have an even fuzz all over. We think the follicles are about to burst into bloom!)

Dream #1 (earliest): Noah and I were going to a wedding in Amsterdam and we were all dressed up. The only way to get to the wedding was to ride a "bike" that went not on land but on a water highway. I sat on the seat and pedaled; Noah rode on a running-board-like step just behind my seat. If I stopped pedaling or faltered, we would sink into the water and ruin our wedding clothes. Several times, people around us got submerged to our necks, and I was nervous the whole way; but we made it to the end of the water highway intact and dry.

Dream #2: I was performing in a circus show, and had to stand on a tiny platform up high in the air, supported by a single stilt. The platform kept swaying and buckling; I was terrified and kept moaning my fear to the other (unknown female) performer who was there with me. The circus ringleader shushed me, and forced me to stay there even as my panic mounted. I was sure something awful would happen--it was like my "chased by robbers" dreams, in which the robbers always catch me. But this time, after a period of terror, the show ended, and I was safely brought to the ground. (And then I went straight to the snack vendor for some bread...and this dream was before my diet!)

Dream #3: I was walking along a dock in a marina, and looking into the water, which was filled with menacing looking sea creatures--not sharks, but smaller, spiny things that were a lot more scary. All of a sudden I fell into the water, into the midst of all the terrifying creatures. I thrashed about and kept waiting for an attack, or to be eaten; but then I found steps to get out and escaped safely.

Dream #4 (just a few nights ago): I was in "Manhattan Beach" (looked nothing like the real thing), sunbathing and reading on a rocky outcropping at the coastline. The rocky area was just below an elevated pier complex with businesses. I was enjoying myself in a patio chair, when suddenly a huge wave came in and engulfed me; everything around me became ocean. I later realized it was a tsunami. I barely made it to the slope and up to the elevated area, above the inundation zone. I started back down to retrieve my stuff as the water began to recede, but everything was gone. I was very upset at losing not only my chair and book, but also something else that seemed terribly important, though I couldn't remember what it was. In the midst of my upset, though, I realized I had just survived a tsunami and was thrilled to be OK. I started walking uphill toward home. When I was almost there, I realized my keys had also washed away.

Though the last one had a late "gotcha," I'm really struck by how I always turn out OK in these dreams. I'm really hoping that my subconscious has a read on my overall health that's not accessible to the rest of me!